What if the Grass Isn’t Greener?

I rarely have an outline when I’m writing, which goes against every writing philosophy in the book. I have my formula for how I compose a blog post (introduction, scripture, commentary, quotable point, closing), but most of my posts begin as stream of consciousness free writing. It’s so fun to watch as my thoughts spill out of my head and onto the screen. I will go back days or weeks later to edit and polish my thoughts; I choose not to edit myself during the free writing phase. This means that I have many half-finished drafts in my queue that need to be polished or added to before they can be released.

Here’s something I wrote last year but never published. It’s amazing how this post is like a diary entry; though I don’t know exactly when I wrote it, it describes an entire season of my life:

Change reveals character. 

Recently, many things have been changing around me. They are, for the most part, things I wanted, and yet part of me doesn’t like the changes. I know things are shifting, allowing me to change and embrace some things I have put on the shelf, yet still a piece of me is struggling. To talk about phasing yourself out is one thing, but doing it is something entirely different. Stepping aside so that others can rise sounds like a great plan until you realize it takes some effort on your part.

There are pieces of me, character defects, that I thought I had dealt with. Perceptions and attitudes that I thought I had put away and left in the past, are somehow resurfacing. Then, because I’m a recovering perfectionist, I immediately start beating myself up, sending my mind into a toxic thought spiral. Somehow I thought things could change without upsetting the status quo, but that’s just not the way the world works.

It’s easy to long for something different or greater until it costs or requires something from you. It’s strange how that works. I have this longing inside of me and a few steps have been taken toward that, yet I find myself wondering if the desire I have for those things is really worth it.

Many of the changes I alluded to many months ago have now happened and I have come out for the better. My grappling with change has changed me. Those tough times, when I was surrounded by toxic thoughts, exhaustion, hopelessness, despair, and doubt, were all necessary for me to be where I am now. That was a stretching and growing time of my life that I am immensely thankful for today.

If you’re in a scary season right now, keep going. It’s hard to put one foot in front of the other, but it’s so worth it. When you begin to feel that pain or that pressing, lean into it and ask the Lord what he’s trying to teach you at that moment. Though it’s easy to resist change, allow yourself to go with it, as God will use those things to mold you into someone who looks more like Him.

I remember writing this post, sitting in the back of a coffee shop, overwhelmed by the world and unsure how to get out of the season I was in. Now, as I sit in my kitchen writing this, I am full of peace, faith, and hope, expectant for this new season I’ve stepped into. And I am here to share this hope with you.

You can do this.
You can move forward.
You will be okay.
You are strong because you are in Him.
Don’t give up.