Thank you for joining me for another stroll down memory lane. While going through old posts, I found the following, written in October 2015:
I like structure. In fact, I need structure. I love schedules and planning, because within these I can be free. If there are absolutely no boundaries I will tend to not do anything. I am constantly making to-do lists and greatly enjoy checking things off said list. This part of my personality, while great in a work context, doesn’t always fit in well with God’s plan. Often there’s a disconnect between how I think things should be happening and how they are happening.
Over the past few months I’ve prayed the same thing over and over again. Because I don’t like God’s current answer to me, I’ve been pretending to not know the right thing to do. This morning, as I was thinking and reading, I had this thought:
-Stop trying to figure things out and just be-
This completely flies in the face of my typical M.O. I am constantly analyzing what’s going on around me so I often struggle to just have an experience. I’m always thinking, critiquing, planning, guessing. It’s hard for me to just be. Resting and trusting is tough, especially when in an uncomfortable position but, if God is who he says he is then it’s okay to experience time with Him without having to know all the answers.
I am in absolute awe of the Lord! Today I am okay with just being me. Over the last year, particularly over the past few months, the Lord has been stripping away these layers of achievement I’ve built my life upon. All those things that used to define me, titles, roles, responsibilities, schedules, and to-do lists have all been overshadowed by something even more powerful: my name. I know who I am and I know who God is, so now I am confident to move forward in the face of ambiguity.
I remember when I wrote the original post, I was sitting at the kitchen table of my little apartment during the middle of the day when my roommates were at work and I had the whole place to myself. I remember crying out to the Lord from that little dining nook and desperately fighting against the answers he was giving me like “stay” and “be still” and “wait”. I remember selecting the picture for this post because I thought that person looked so free, when all I felt was entrapped.
But I’m really beginning to understand what true freedom is like. True freedom is knowing. It’s a responsibility. It’s an entrustment. Freedom requires intentionality. I am so thankful for freedom in my country, in Christ, and in being able to be myself. I am thankful for this journey I’ve been on; now I can steward my freedom well.