I’m a pretty observant individual. I love people-watching and will often notice things that others will miss. I pride myself on my awareness of what’s going on around me, but rarely am I as attuned to what’s going on internally.
For a few weeks, I thought I was doing okay until that all came crashing down. I didn’t realize how much I’ve been struggling until I suddenly did. It was like a switch flipped in my brain. No one called me out, I didn’t have something dramatic happen, it just hit me: I’m in an unhealthy place.
Thank you Lord for revelation!
I love the Enneagram. At first, I was really skeptical because the first time I took the test it misidentified me. I wrote it off as another stupid fad and went about my merry way. But when a friend shared how much God had been using the Enneagram as a tool to help her heal, I decided to give it another chance. We dove into the different types and she helped me identify my real type, which is a Three.
Threes are achievers; we are driven, competent, and ambitious. When we’re healthy, we help others succeed, when we’re in an unhealthy place, we cut off even further from our emotions and become incredibly detached. And the latter is precisely how I’ve been acting recently.
Without really realizing it, I had allowed myself to become apathetic and detached from everything: emotions, community, myself, and even God. I had isolated myself and reverted back to unhealthy habits. I had stopped caring about doing things to help others, I just wanted to neglect myself, my responsibilities, and retreat into my numb place. For weeks, little signs of it had been cropping up: not eating, not drinking enough water, not working out, and letting my living spaces go from messy to disgusting.
Kicking the Comfort Zone to the Curb
One of the beautiful things about God is that he cares so much about us that he’s willing to get us out of our comfort zones. In this case, my comfort zone was unhealthy, a place he hasn’t called me to live.
Thankfully, I’ve been learning throughout this year how I can pursue health and recovery. I have a plan that I am working daily.
Admitting that God is God and I am not (and it’s better that way).
Laying down my pride so that I will confess my sins to myself, God, and others.
Reach out to community when I’m struggling instead of hiding.
Pursuing God from a place of rest instead of striving or work.
These are just a few of the things that I’m continually reminding myself of. I don’t have to dig myself out of my apathetic hole by myself, I have to turn to and trust God who knows me better than anyone. I’m so thankful that my freedom is dependant upon him and not my ability to save myself. After all, at the end of the day, I’m a pretty lousy savior, and that’s how it should be.
Do you ever struggle with apathy? How do you battle that?